most couples don’t realize they have the same argument over and over again.

Most of us never learned the basics of relationships. There were no classes on how to express feelings, how to fight constructively, how to stay close to someone over time. We might work hard on our careers and put almost no effort into the relationships that matter most to us.

And then we wonder why they're so hard.

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When relationship problems become the main source of stress in someone's life, couples therapy often makes more sense than individual therapy.

The difference is significant. In individual therapy, we explore your inner world and unconscious patterns. In couples therapy, the relationship itself becomes the focus. We work on how you communicate, how you handle disagreements, how you show up for each other when things get hard.

A lot of my work involves teaching practical skills. I help couples learn to really listen to each other, develop empathy, find ways to calm down heated arguments before they spiral. I often encourage partners to talk directly to each other during sessions, not just to me. Because that's where the real material lives: in the actual dynamic happening between them, in real time, in the room where I can see it and step in when needed.

I get to watch the subtle shifts in their conversation. Where they get stuck. How fights start small and then suddenly aren't about what they started about at all.

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As a psychodynamic therapist, I also believe it's important to understand each person's history and how those histories collide in the relationship.

When two people fall in love and build a life together, it's never random. Each person brings patterns learned way back in childhood. Patterns absorbed from watching their parents' marriage, from their own early experiences of being loved or not loved, from what they learnt (consciously or not) about what relationships are supposed to feel like.

And then two people with two completely different sets of those patterns try to build something together.

We often replay in our current relationships what we experienced growing up. These patterns keep showing up, relationship after relationship, throughout our lives. When we can spot them and understand where they come from, we can start to change them.

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Here's where it gets interesting.

When we understand what triggers each person and how those triggers connect to earlier experiences, something shifts. Each partner develops a deeper understanding of the other. They become more aware of how their own behavior affects their partner. And that awareness opens the door to something that wasn't possible before: real emotional closeness.

Because most couples aren't fighting about what they think they're fighting about. They're re-enacting something much older. And the moment they can see that, even a little bit, the fight starts to look different.

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These patterns get passed down through families until someone decides to work on them.

Think about how complex this gets: each person brings patterns that trace back not just to their own childhood but to their parents' and grandparents' relationships too. A husband might do something that triggers his wife in the same way her father triggered her mother. The wife might react in ways that remind the husband of his own family dynamics. Usually these patterns aren't obvious at first. But over time, with attention and care, they become clearer. And workable.

The goal isn't just to fight less. It's for both partners to experience a deeper, more satisfying relationship than either of them has known before. To break free from cycles that may have been running in their families for generations.

That's not a small thing. And in my experience, it's entirely possible.